Raw Honey Sunday v.5

This past week has me wishing so deeply that I could open up a home. A home for people who need a place to live until they can get back on their feet. With around the clock mental health care and resources to help them get out of the4f2aa007a10ebdfb92ce9de95f25086e.jpg hole they’re in financially.

It makes me realize just how incredibly blessed I am. Even in my moments of despair or complete brokenness I still have an amazing support system. They won’t let me slip away. They may not be able to fix what I’m going through in those moments, but their love is enough to let me know I am not alone. I have so much love and support that even in my darkest times, I know there is light around me.

It’s heartbreaking to know some people don’t have this. There is no safety net for them to fall into. In my job, there’s too many in need for me to be that safety net for, and it can get frustrating and overwhelming. This is where my deep wish for a home comes into play.

I think it would be magical to have a large home for the students I come into contact with. Who are facing eviction, are homeless, in between jobs, etc., and just need that “buffer” in between falling and the safety net. Nine times out of ten the individuals are also suffering from mental health challenges and can 100% benefit from therapy.

How beautiful would this community be. Individuals who are receiving care and learning how to get out of this slump and receiving the tools to use to never return. Building community through dinners and gardening and house chores.

One day, Alex. One day.

Happy Sunday! xox

 

Advertisements

Saturday Vibes

12938200_10153956205566068_6487110666928645738_n

Let’s get random and bullet point today:

  • My birthday is in FIVE DAYS. I will be thirty. I’m still not sure how to feel. I go between “Ok, whatever.” to “I’m so excited to experience a new decade!” to “Holy fuck, 3o, dude. I’m dead.”
  • I’m getting more and more comfortable with being makeup free and not “dressed up” to go out and not making excuses for how I look or apologizing. I have to run into the grocery store and I’m only wearing leggings and tunic with zero makeup? Who cares! I’m still cute!
  • Honey scented anything is my jam (honey? hehe) lately.
  • I downloaded Plant Nanny on my phone yesterday and decided to make it a competition between my roomie and I. My plant’s name is Mr. Gold and he’s so cute.
  • These past couple of weeks, my coffee is giving me heartburn and I don’t know how to stop it. I don’t understand why all of a sudden coffee kills me?

It’s such a gorgeous day here today! The sun is out, but it’s not hot and it’s breezy. Florida, you ain’t so bad!

Acoustic feelings.

Long weekends are cool. Until you’re on your period. You’re already highly sensitive and emotional so now you’re just a ball of exposed nerves. And you’re alone listening to acoustic covers meal prepping for the upcoming work week. Cool.

Except you hear the one song that triggers you to think of him and it’s all over. Why am I hung up on him? Who fucking cares? Keep scrambling the eggs, Alex. Don’t forget to add garlic.

But seriously… what the hell? Why do things seemingly go so well and then we hit that wall. Every. Goddamn. Time. I’m kind. I’m intelligent. I’m funny. I’m so pretty. My personality is amazing. All from his mouth. So why? What about me is so defective that once we come to that part it’s time to jump ship?

I would not have imagined myself here at 29. I would’ve thought I had it together by now. That I learned what I needed to about love and loss and it’s all better and happy and sunshine-y now. It’s humbling. It’s earth shattering. It’s a long weekend with acoustic music playing on loop.

Don’t forget to set the timer, Alex. Those breakfast muffins will be banging. Unlike this.

Raw Honey Sunday v.4

4b86dfbaf9e71fa6bef98f7c57ad2c2f

I wasn’t able to blog last Sunday, and I was a little bummed out over it! This weekend has been fun! I’ve really been playing around with redecorating my room. With my birthday coming up, my Mom surprised me and got me the bed frame I was eyeing. We spent all day yesterday putting it together. We laughed, we cried, we yelled, and then laughed some more. Oh, IKEA. You really know how get people all of their emotions. I loved getting to spend time with my Mom though!

Anyway, I don’t have a particular topic swirling in my mind today. I want to just type whatever pops up.

Lately my birthday is on my mind. Everyone is asking what I’m doing and I have no idea. It’s less than a month away. My birthday has never been a very fun time for me. I can think back to when I was a little girl and there isn’t one birthday memory that comes to mind. I feel like that seems a little sad because who wants to imagine a little girl getting depressed on or around her birthday. That was all me and my mental health though I think. My family was amazing when I was growing up and I had birthday celebrations.

I do remember a slumber party in elementary school. I remember turning 21 and having no interest in drinking, but I did go to Homosassa Springs and frolic around in nature. For my 25th birthday I went to Vegas. That was probably my most celebrated birthday, but even then I technically went because I was invited along to a friend’s brother’s wedding and I got the flu. I did have fun, but it wasn’t everything it could be because of how sick I ended up getting.

When I turned 24, I had probably the most life changing birthday. That will be for another Raw Honey Sunday. But ever since that birthday they’ve really never been the same. Last year I didn’t do anything. There’s this pressure of doing something spectacular and the time leading up to it and then it always seems to be a let down (I feel this way about Christmas, too). So last year I opted to do nothing and it was great.

There’s pressure for the big 3-0 though. And I’m getting anxious. I want to do something but I’m scared of the letdown. I also feel like I want it to be the preview of my thirties. I just don’t have any good ideas! Dinner? Sure, but that’s it?? Do I go out and dance the night away? Ehh. What about a get away weekend? Ok, but where??

I need suggestions! I need help!

No matter what I do, it’s going to come. I think for me what I’m going to need to accept is that it’s OK if I do nothing or if I do something. Letting it go and letting whatever happen happen. No expectations! We’re gonna ride into thirty on a super gnarly wave and hang ten, dude.

Happy Sunday!

Who run the world?

image

I’ve been home sick today with a nasty little stomach bug that’s been taking out what seems like everyone.

I had to take a picture for International Women’s Day! Even if I am sick on the couch and shouldn’t have a camera anywhere near me.

Strong women. May we know them. May we be them. May we raise them.

Olive says, “heck yes!”

image
pssst – you can add me on snapchat: love.alex and say hi! 

Raw Honey Sunday v.2

kindness

 

I had nothing short of a meltdown yesterday. I’ve talked about how I want to “show up” to thirty. I’m having a hard time adjusting to new habits (old habits die hard, homie). I was trying to be responsible and it ended up giving me a serious reality check. Anyway, I found myself in the shower trying to calm myself down and stay positive when I had this urge to take to blogging. But there’s so many real, raw, (and sweet) things to blog about in ONE little entry. So, I came up with “Raw Honey Sunday”. It’s my chance to just let it all ooze out. As real and raw as it can be. Whatever is on my mind; unscripted. Every Sunday.

This Sunday my mind is on boys, boys, boys. Or is it men, men, men? Even with thirty looming it is so hard to refer to females and males as women and men. What do you mean we aren’t young adults anymore?! Ugh.

I blogged about the last guy I was dating here. It was this weird coincidence that our exes happened to be dating as well (we had no idea, this was something I stumbled upon randomly and it blew our minds). You know, I can’t say I felt like this dude was anything to get serious about. We both knew this going into it. I can’t say anything bad about him even after what I share.

We talked about how strange dating is in your late twenties/thirties. We weren’t interested in this “game” people like to play. Let’s just be honest. Let’s hang and see where it goes. If one of us doesn’t feel a connection and/or we stop gelling let’s just say so and move on. No hurt feelings. No weirdness. We got this! We’re so 2016 progressive adulting.  Yeahhhhh. Except not at all.

One Friday he came over after work  later than planned so our date night out turned into cooking dinner and relaxing on the couch. We watched Netflix and cuddled until it was Saturday morning. We went out for coffee and sat outside chatting about random life things. We looked into the benefits of him having a Disney annual pass. He was super into and something he said he wanted to seriously consider getting within the next month or so. We went back to my apartment so he could “run home” (he lives an hour away) to shower, dress, check in with work, and he told me he wanted to come back so that we could have the date night that we originally planned the night before. Score, score, score.

I haven’t seen him since we said goodbye that day.

That night it turned into his motorcycle getting a flat and him needing to cancel. The around-the-clock communication from him started to fade starting immediately until he just stopped talking to me all together. Never being ghosted before, I can say, this shit is hard on the ego. He apologized at first for his lack of communication and told me he was super stressed out with work and he was dealing with room mate problems (yeah, ok, I’m not that naive, sir). Then it was ghost town. He stopped answering my phone calls and text messages. He still has yet to unfriend me on Facebook though which is super confusing.

I decided to reach out to him yesterday afternoon. I was invited to a birthday brunch that his ex was also invited to (coincidentally, besides his ex dating mine, she also works with an acquaintance of mine). I feel like I can’t catch a break. These three people (ghost man, his ex, and mine) will never go away. I wondered if ghost man had ever told his ex about me. I also wonder if my ex told her about me or perhaps our mutual friends. Basically – does this lady know about me?! Is that why ghost man is now a ghost? So many questions. So little knowledge. So I wanted to ask him. Knowing I’d probably not get a response.

Of course it was when I was nowhere near my phone and preoccupied that he took the opportunity to CALL me and text me. I missed it. I was so upset. That may have been my only chance to hear exactly what happened! I did attempt to call him and text him back. We’ll see what happens. Maybe there will be more to this story.

Anyway. Kindness. Can everyone jump on that bandwagon, please? I’ve read a few articles on ghosting. I honestly didn’t know it was a “thing” until it happened to me. It’s so … awful. You leave this person in limbo because you refuse to talk about feelings and … I don’t even know. But what an awful, terrible thing to do to someone!

I’ve moved on for the most part. It was so hard knowing that I had to just accept that this person had vanished from my life and I wasn’t going to get an answer as to why. You know what though? His shortcomings and inability to communicate and be kind are in no way a reflection of myself, my value and self worth. I have to remind myself of that when I feel myself spiraling.

This Sunday has been beautiful I must say! The sun is out, there’s a cool breeze, and the birds and furry critters are out and about. I love it. It’s days like these that I wish could go on for an extended amount of time. Don’t end, Sunday!

Thanks for getting raw with me.

Cheers!

 

 

raw honey

I’ve been debating on how personal I want to get in this new space. I decided today while out at lunch, “Why the heck not??”. So for now … here it goes.

A year ago this weekend I went out on a date. I was nervous and excited. I seemed to had met a nice guy who was like minded and the date was fun and carefree. It started with coffee and before I knew it, he had asked me to dinner and then out for a drink. Had I not been the one to admit I was exhausted, I feel like we would’ve bar hopped until the wee hours of the morning. It was good time. I was back out in the dating world and I had met someone who I seemed to really match with!

It was only four months later that we parted ways. In the end, it was him that was ready to move on. He did ask me to remain a part of his life and continue a friendship. He had a laundry list of things he wanted to do with me and for me. Of course I signed on because I was so clearly still hung up on him and very much in like with this fellow. We all know it didn’t work. It was a friendship with blurred lines. Those never end with happy endings.

When I realized he had officially moved on and started dating someone I found myself in a puddle of tears. Rejection is hard y’all. I had to be a grown up and love myself. Remember, I was starting to introduce self care into my life. I politely uninvited him from my life. If I was going to give myself a shot at being happy and enjoying the dating life, I needed to remove this man from my life until my little heart was healed. He wasn’t a bad guy. I just needed to not be hung up on someone who wasn’t hung up on me.

Fast forward to this month. An entire year later. I’ve really come into myself being single. I’m loving the cool lady I am and enjoying myself. Self care, remember? So I decide I’m going to download that dating app again and have a go at it. But first I wanted to delete every message I had ever received so opening the app didn’t make me cringe. I got back to October of last year when a message I saw caught my eye. This guy actually seemed pretty nice and the message was about a TV show we had in common. Nothing about my looks or that hinted to something perverted. I messaged back and wondered if he’d mind that I was you know, three months late to the conversation. Turns out he wasn’t and we spoke all day. I felt like he was familiar, but I was unsure why. I didn’t know if he seemed familiar because I had seen his message back in October or I knew him from real life somewhere.

Well, it turned out we did have a connection. And I’m sure NO ONE saw it coming. His (soon to be) ex wife is the girl my nice like minded fellow had moved on with. WHAT THE WHAT. Essentially his ex is dating my ex. Mind. Blown. When I figured it out I could feel my heart exploding in my chest. What did this mean?! Was the new guy going to pull out thinking maybe I had planned this? Was it going to be too weird? Thank you for my making my life so damn weird, Universe. 😉

He’s fine with it. Though admittedly, we are both in total shock. What are the freaking odds?! We’ve decided we’re not going to make it a big deal and feed into it. It is what it is and we’re moving on. I’m focusing on getting to know him. It’s still SOSOSO new.

I’m not sure where this path is headed. This weekend I found myself finding my way back to bad habits and getting stuck in these awful feelings. I had a really good talk with my best friend and it definitely made me feel supported and not so alone. But I’m still a little blue and feeling like it’s going to be really hard to not fall back into old patterns.

But the world of dating is for another post. That’s a whole ‘nother can of worms.

Oh, life! You’re so wild!

It’s here!

We are three whole days into 2016! THREE. I’m trying to go through every day as slowly as I can. I have been on vacation since Christmas Eve. That’s just enough time to get into the groove of staying up late, sleeping in, doing absolutely nothing, and getting used to doing what you want when you want. I’m trying not to spiral into a depression today thinking about waking up at 6:00 am tomorrow and starting a work week. The next vacation for my job is in July!

I know resolutions are hokey and poked fun at. Nothing to take seriously after the first week or two of January. I also suppose every one’s technical new year begins on their actual birthday. So if you aren’t feelin’ it now – that’s OK. Your time is coming. Plenty of time to bloom.

I do have some goals for this year. Some are ~omg so typical. But you know what? I don’t care. I also promised myself to “show up” to thirty. That’s in April. I gotta get movin’!

FEEL BETTER. What a loaded goal! I would love nothing more than to obtain my idea of a dream body. It will come with time. But my main goal is to just feel better. In October I went vegan for a month. It was smooth sailing until I hit Halloween and our party had me wanting all the dairy and meat. It went really well though and I enjoyed it! I’ll be ditching all animal based foods again this month. I’m also doing Yoga Camp! Being kinder to myself with food and health is key!

SELF CARE. This kind of goes hand in hand with feeling better. I really want 2016 to be all about self care. I often get lost in my head with negative talk. I’ll replay scenarios in my head and think of all the ways I went wrong. What I could’ve said, what I should’ve done. It becomes torture! I really came into the idea of self care in 2015. But I want to immerse myself in it this year. I want to be gentle with myself when I think I should “punish” myself. I want to do things that feel good and not feel like I’m “being bad” or “being careless”. I want to process my feelings more. I also want to really focus on my mental health and start with walking around the lake outside of my house more. I was going through a tough time last year in the summer and took to walking around the lake. It felt incredible to have fresh air, get my body moving, and let my mind just drain of all of its thoughts.

GET OUT. This may be one of the hardest goals. Especially since I will need to find a balance between allowing myself to stay in and accepting that it is OK and that sometimes – I need to get out! I toyed with this almost exactly a year ago. I never said no to getting invited out by this guy I was dating. While I don’t think you should ALWAYS say yes, it was kinda nice always doing something. Again, self care: I don’t want to force myself to do anything I absolutely do not want to do. But I need to try new things. I need to not always choose my apartment over an experience out with friends!

So those are my main three things. I’m sure if I sat here any longer I could manage to write a novel of all the things I start doing. But start small! Too many things becomes overwhelming and you throw in the towel before you even begin.

I want to treat myself like my friend. A really good friend who means the world to me and deserves nothing but the very best.

Cheers!

a new year, my dear.

A new year is approaching and with that comes a new you! I know, I know. Groan. Soo typical.

BUT. It kind of goes along with me wanting to “show up to thirty”! Hey, if gets you excited, I say, go with it.

I’ve struggled with depression since I was 11 years old and mild anxiety. My anxiety has actually gotten worse in my late twenties. Go figure. While I can definitely hit a slump and spiral, it’s usually pretty manageable for the most part.

This later half of the year I really started to struggle again. My eating habits are just nasty and while I love the outdoors and sunshine, I feel myself making dates with my couch more so than the lake. I’d love to change this sooner rather than later. I think I’m not alone though. Doesn’t everyone just want to be in good health?

Soooo. I’m getting an early start! I bought the cutest little planner at Target and I’m already planning out January. My weekly goals and when I want to get outside and move around.

Oh, 2016. You have no choice but to be the best year yet!

12088453_10153582371371068_2357967555786802240_n.jpg

 

letters to you

We all have those past relationships that ended on the worst possible note. You stop all communication and become strangers. Soon the relationship is nothing but a distant memory. Sometimes it’s better that way I guess.

I recently got word that a once upon a time lover’s Mother had passed away and my heart just broke into a million pieces for him. Everything that him and I had ever been through just didn’t matter anymore. I even sent him my condolences and he replied and there wasn’t any anger. It was the first time since our last blow up years ago that I felt like there were no longer ill feelings. I couldn’t get it out of my mind. It was literally seeping into every one of my thoughts. So in natural Alex fashion, I opened up an email and drafted up a letter to him. A letter he will never see. A letter I will never send. Here’s an excerpt. Read More »