Bringing myself back.

I don’t always remember dreading the new year. If I really think about it – I believe this may have started in my mid to late twenties. Every New Years Eve, no matter what I find myself doing; inside I am messy and chaotic. I’m thinking of all things I wanted to accomplish but didn’t. I’m thinking about how I’ve not changed. I’m spiraling and then I’m left feeling isolated and alone. But there’s fireworks, and cheering, and everyone is so fucking excited.

I found myself  watching TV and going to bed shortly after midnight this year. I cried a few times at how pathetic is was and couldn’t wait for morning to come when everyone is in “go” mode. It’s time to start working out, reading books, traveling, you know — “L I V I N G L I F E”.

The Gilmore Girls revival comes to mind. We find out that Lorelai is literally the exact same character we left almost ten years ago. She’s not grown or evolved; she has been living the same life day in and day out for TEN YEARS. I felt like we were the same. Jesus Christ. I am Lorelai. I’ve been living the same way, yearning for the same things year after year and now? Hello, 30. NOTHING HAS CHANGED FOR ME. Que the existential crisis. Thanks, GG.

My Mom loves telling me how much I hate change and how reluctant I am to it. I’m not sure if it’s true because of how much she’s told me this over the years or because I truly hate change. But I know that in order for me to get from point A to point B something has to change. I know what I have to do to get the ball rolling, but it means I will be uncomfortable and scared. I know it’s not permanent, but it still makes me not want to budge. I can’t be a Lorelai.

I think I want to leave behind fear in 2016. I want to walk into 2017 and celebrate myself and my life. I don’t want to pass up on things because I’m scared and I don’t want to not grow and evolve because I’m terrified and insecure. I mean, Trump is about to be president and that’s terrifying enough.

Yesterday I explored the Frida Kahlo exhibit in The Dali Museum and I had a sense of renewal. I was inspired and I felt it was perfect considered the year is coming to a close.

Today was a really tough day for my mental health. I decided to blog some of my feelings about the New Year. I truly believe your New Year begins when you’re ready to be reborn and grow. However, January 1st is a nice place to start if you need a nudge.

So here’s to the almost New Year. I’m really trying to not be so scared and sad about you.

Please remember to water yourself, Alex. Every flower needs water, kindness, and space to grow.

xx

 

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